Happy 2nd Birthday my little love..... (30/08/2020)

Over the past 2 years, I’ve been trying to put all of my feelings into words. For you are already so different than your big brother and have changed our lives in the most incredible way.

You are truly a miracle. One we weren’t expecting, but the happiest of surprises. For you are our redemption. I can vividly remember the morning I found out I was carrying you. I was shaking with joy and disbelief.

Long before you were here, I was full of worry. I worried about how our lives were going to change. We had just gotten comfortable in our routine as a family of 3. I worried, “how can I love you as much as I do your big brother?” But you have taught me that my heart is capable of multiplying.

Truthfully, I feel like I hardly gave you a thought before you got here. My mind was so worried about your brother and how he would feel and how he would adjust. Honestly, I felt a little sad for your brother, who suddenly had to share his world. I felt guilty that he couldn’t have me all to himself, and I was worried that I didn’t give him enough when it was just the two of us.

But now that you’re here, my heart hurts in a different way. I feel sad that you’ll never had the quiet sleepy mornings I had with your brother. You can’t even rest without getting jumped on, I feel guilty that I can’t hold you more or snuggle in for a nap together. It’s hard to find time during the day to pick you up and just be with you in that moment. It’s hard to balance the emotional energy it takes to manage you, your brother, and the household repsonibilities. And my working life! It’s hard to feel like I’m loving you well enough.

But I hope you know, in spite of that, how having you has filled my heart up in a new and different way. I always thought “how can I love you as much? Is there enough room in my heart to give that much love?” And now I know the truth in what everyone said. You filled a part of me that I didn’t know was missing. You’ve enriched our lives with just who you are. And I can think about all the good things you get to experience as our second born. You have a built in best friend who is already your biggest fan. You get less crazy parents who don’t feel the need to worry over every little thing because we know “it’s just a stage.” You’ll probably get away with a lot more, because let’s be honest, we’re too tired to fight you over it.

You are precious, my second born babe. The child who is reminding me that parenting isn’t always disciplining and rule enforcing. The child who is reminding me to slow down and try to soak it all in. The child who is reminding me that all life starts as a tiny miracle. You are precious, and I love you so.

You were second. Not in my heart, but one did come before you in time. Yes, with you, it was different. I didn’t read all the books or check the apps every week to see what vegetable you measured up against.

But more than anything, my love, you taught me that a heart is absolutely limitless in size, and that love is the antidote to fear.

So, it’s true. You didn’t make me a mother.

But you sure made me a better one

Thank you for your patience. Thank you for the understanding that reaches to the depths of my soul from those big brown eyes of yours. Thank you for the unconditional love you show me in that perfect smile when I steal those precious moments to just sit and be with you, my second born.

I will keep on loving you forever.

Love,

Amma